Updated: Jun 18
True, getting plenty of rest and spending time with loved ones is important right after you have a baby, but let's get real...
Another one bites the dust.
Sometimes it’s hard… well, probably more like, MOST of the times it’s hard. This parenting gig. It ain’t for the faint of heart. That’s not a news flash, I know. I just feel like maybe there should be a super direct dialogue about this topic prior to getting pregnant.
One of my closest friends, Ceci, had a baby right after I did. At her shower they had this little table set up where you would write down one thing that Ceci should know before having her baby, words of wisdom if you will. My daughter was only a few months old so my very appropriate, yet overused, words of advice pertained to getting lots of sleep and to try to stock up on it. That’s all I knew at that point. Now, if my daughter was in her threes or fours and I also had my son (who is two years younger than her), I would have had so much more to go on.
It IS entirely possible for water to have too much water in it, making it “way too watery” and that will provoke a meltdown.
A mattress can be “too tight and too thick and have no room for the bananas,” therefore it cannot be slept on... which will also provoke a meltdown.
The air in the center of the bagel is gross. Who knew? Commence meltdown.
If you tell your kids to put the Christmas decorations wherever they’d like as long as everyone can see them (saying this so they don’t all go in their bedrooms), they’ll put them on, in, and around the toilet.
Family pictures are basically a no-go. Someone will be looking away, making a face, have their eyes closed, or a finger up the nose. Action shots of a kid about to hit another kid; however... those are where I'd put my money.
You can drink an entire cup of coffee and not notice that a shit-ton of Play-Doh has been dropped in it. I’d suggest doing a quick coffee check with every cup. Incidentally, Play-Doh is relatively tasteless when combined with the right amount of caffeine.
You’ll need backup to make any phone call that will last over nine seconds. They can just somehow feel when you pick up your phone, it’s creepy and they’re God-like in their omniscience. I mean they could be at the neighbor’s house. They will come out. And it will be unpleasant. Have a friend, spouse, stranger, whoever, play interference AT ALL TIMES.
If you try to sneak a quick shower in, you may have random office supplies thrown at you. My son, for instance, likes the stapler.
They may clean your coffee pot with a baby wipe that was taken out of the trashcan.
If your three-year-old is trying to recall a friend’s name and can’t, you need to know every single name in the entire world and keep guessing until you guess the correct name; however, be advised that while you’re guessing, your three-year-old will get increasingly frustrated that it’s taking you so long.
And finally, maybe most important of all, whatever you do, NEVER trust them when they say they’re “playing tape.”
Now this is relative advice I can work with. I’d argue that advice geared in this general direction could possibly help with the world’s population problems. I mean, yeah, sleep is important, but in the grand scheme of things, sanity is pretty up there too.