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My Labia Has Lost Its Mind

Has it happened to you? Since you’ve had vaginally delivered children? Did your labia get completely deformed? Eradicated of all sensibility, conformity, integrity? It’s gotten really bad for me. How am I supposed to go out to eat? Ski? Take a roadtrip? I dread it. All of it. It makes me sweat my already-not-working-all-natural-deodorant right off my pits.

I assume the squat, awaiting the inevitable disaster. Overcompensating my stance and adjusting my hips. Rethinking the placement. Relocating the hip. Rethinking some more. Then rethinking the fact that I have to pee at all. Can I hold it? Can it wait? No. I sneezed 20 minutes ago and the process started then, I’ve put it off long enough. Here it comes… And there it goes. Not into the water, but hitting the right side of the stall. WHHHYYYY? I fixed my stance! How can literally none of my pee land in the toilet? What the fuck did my children do to my lady parts in their abrupt, rather obnoxious, mass exodus?

Tell me this is happening to other moms? How are you fixing it? I’ve tried to put my head between my legs so I can see what’s actually occurring, but that just led to pee in my face. And the insane part about it is that I squat instead of using paper because I don’t like to waste it. It’s bad for the environment. But I end up using like 16 times more paper when I have to clean up my pee-mess from the walls/my legs/my butt/my jeans/my socks/my shoes/the floor/the back of the toilet/the front of the toilet/the ceiling. So why even bother? I think part of me just wants to be able to pee in a public bathroom like I did when I was in college. I didn’t know that this could be a thing that’s taken for granted.

If you’re a mom-to-be, treasure the squat. You won’t miss it till it’s gone.

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