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No One Messes With Parker’s Girls’ Day

Oh, the cheekiness is astounding.

Okay, we all have our favorite days. Mine used to be Friday. The night all the girls went out and had too much to drink and danced too close to strangers and gave out phone numbers that may or may not have been real. Now, it’s Monday. Of course. Kids go back to school on Monday.

Axl’s is Christmas for the obvious reasons. Parker’s, though… Parker’s is girls’ day, and by girls’ day, I mean mom and daughter day. It’s the most sought after, coveted day(s) of the year.

And if you mess with it, you die.

Case in point, last week, Axl had the nerve to get sick. Puke-sick. On our girls’ day. How DARE he? Parker literally lost her shit. Matt decided to go in to work since Pea and I had to stay home anyway. And to say this was unacceptable to Parker, is like saying Hitler was a strict guy. Understatement of the universe.

That kid got hold of my phone and texted Matt that he needed to come home, but completely disguised herself as me. Even using proper punctuation. (I was so proud.)

“I think you should come home and watch Axl. Parker really wants her girls’ day and I feel bad.”

“Can you come home?”

“Axl wants you home.”

Then she strongly suggests that I drug her baby brother and leave him home alone, “Mom, I think Axl should have the nighttime medicine. It’d be better if he was asleep. He’d get the rest he needs and his cough won’t keep waking him... If he’s sleeping we can probably just go get our nails done and he’d probably just stay asleep through the whole thing. We can go to that nail place that serves wine.”

She’s diabolical. A mastermind. Preying on my weakness.

I delicately explain to her that we will not be getting Axl hopped up on Tylenol PM and leaving him to fend for himself, while we head out for quality nail, wine, and mom and Pea time. As I’m doing this, she’s putting on her shiniest lip gloss and tossing her “essentials” (hand lotion, $28.34, a travel size toothpaste, a granola bar, a JoJo Bow, and seventeen multi-colored paper clips) into her cute little panda-shaped purse and shaking her head as if doing so will force my words to just bounce off of her, return to me, go back inside my mouth, reformulate, and come out with a solid, “That’s a tremendously awesome idea, Miss Pea! Let’s go!” But that’s not happening, so this does:

“THIS IS IMPLAUSIBLE!” Yes, she used that word. And correctly. (I was so proud.) Cute panda purse thrown across room and multi-colored paper clips scatter.

“Pea, I’m sorry. I was very excited too. And, wine. So, you know I’m not happy with this. I promise we’ll go next weekend… We’ll have lunch, do nails, aaannnnnd go to a movie- all three! How’s that sound?”

“It sounds like it’s not happening today… Do you promise? No matter what, we’ll go next weekend?”

“I promise. Unless Axl is still really sick, we’ll go.” Then a long pause… she’s considering this… I think she’s on board…

“What if he’s dead? Can we go sooner if he dies?”


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